so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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