i just sent this text using only my big toe
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
