Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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