Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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