Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
there is glitter all over my balls
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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