The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
