I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
