the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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