3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
