I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
