my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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