Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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