She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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