I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
