i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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