Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
