M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
