Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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