I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
