Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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