Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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