Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
