and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
