my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
