I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
