The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
