How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
