I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
