P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
