i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
