She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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