we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
how does that bad decision feel?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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