toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
