Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
