There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
