we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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