Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Randomize
