i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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