She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
