my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
