im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
