there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
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I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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