Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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