just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
