my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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