Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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