what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
