dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
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I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
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While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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