Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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