I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
