I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
