I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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