I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
