Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
