No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
