The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So many bounce houses so little time
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I want her autograph on my taint
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
