I hope mine doesn't look like that
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
