First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
